British Television

We were offered brand new exciting dramas, breath-taking documentaries and side-splitting comedy. They promised 2009 would be worth the licence payers money - it isn't.

So far this year, the funniest thing I've seen is the new Carol of Countdown putting and add sign instead of a subtract sign, the most dramatic thing I've seen is an episode of 'In the Night Garden' or 'Teletubbies' and the best documentary I've seen is the news.

So why, every year, do the bosses of the mainstream television channels (by that I mean BBC One and Two, ITV1, Channel 4 and yes (I cant believe I'm saying this) Channel 5) promise us new and exciting programming and yet every year they disappoint us. I feel robbed of my licence fee (which I believe is a worthless form of control), if the BBC loosened up and slipped a few Tesco adds in the mix then we'd all live in a better society.

I mean Gordon Brown is trying to help the British people through these tough economic times, and yet he keeps the licence fee.

Channel 5 itself is a worthless channel watched by unemployed wasters who lack enough intelligence to understand an episode of Jeremy Kyle, so choose to watch "The Wright Stuff", because it sounds a lot like milk (the white stuff.), or the occasional episode of 'Trisha Goddard'. The only reason I watch anything associated with five is if 'Who's Line is it Anyway? US' or a good film is on. Then five make it worse by launching FIVE US and FIVE LIFE (now renamed FIVER) which shows either endless repeats of CSI or endless omnibuses of Neighbours, or Home and Away.

ITV on the other hand does actually show some good programmes, I mean as of late it's filled the void caused by the absence of 'Freshly Squeezed' in the morning - as I've found some solace in GMTV, which I must point out is better that BBC Breakfast- which not only takes up two whole channels, but all of the presenters are easily in their 60's and spend their monthly pay-checks on Botox to keep the looking young (little note- we all know...).

Now BBC One is pretty much useless (except for Doctor Who, and the occasional film) because whenever I turn it on there seems to be either a news bulletin, some form of soap opera or the one show with the fat-faced wankstain that is Adrian Chilles.

Now BBC Two and Channel 4, possibly the greatest channels in existence, where else can you see an array of comedy, entertainment and documentaries? No where, that's the answer. My sunday nights would be lost if I discovered BBC Two had diappeared from our screens (purely becuase of TOP GEAR, HEROES and BUZZCOCKS, even Graham Norton programmes seem good on BBC TWO (and that's saying something!). And then for channel 4, I'd be lost without The Sunday Night Project, Big Brother or The Simpsons.

I now feel that the fat cats in the world of television executives should listen to some worthwhile advice, I suggest a television amalgamation - BBC TWO and Channel 4, possibly the best idea since Einstein discovered gravy! (gravity really).

Honorable mention to non-terrestrial channels follow;
DAVE
SKY ONE
E4
PARAMOUNT COMEDY